I'm nearly 38 years old, next month in fact. To date my longest relationship has lasted only six months. I've always felt that to become good at dating is counter productive to finding a relationship. I mean what do you do with the dating skills that you spent so much time developing to find a relationship, once you have that relationship? I think my parents were good at dating, they divorced, angrily divorced, not long before my brother died. They are now each on their third marriage, thankful they each finally got it right. Both of their second attempts were also spectacular failures. I took their life lessons for myself, deciding long ago that I would not re-live a divorce of my own. I never tried to become good at dating.
Lately though I feel that maybe I've had the wrong approach all this time. Maybe I should dam the search for a relationship and just date for the sake of dating. What do I need with a life long companion, someone who is always there for me? What do I need with a commitment?
Do I sound like I'm fed up with the dating game? I am. Just like Vegas, the odds seem against me, "The House Rules".
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I suppose you could become good at dating, just for the sake of dating, if you actually like dating. I, for one, don't. I like the idea of the lifelong companion-I just don't know how to get there. So I struggle with dating, which I am horrible at (and sorry I am), hoping that someday it will teach me how to make the leap to where I really want to be. I don't see any other reason to date, as dating, in itself, isn't fun for me. If it's fun for you, I hope you'll go enjoy yourself.
As for your parents, the encouraging part of the story is that, for all their early troubles, both of them did eventually get it right. That gives me hope that even a bumbler like me, or an unlucky chooser like you, might figure it all out someday.
Just so everyone reading knows, this post was written simply to vent my anger and frustration at my most recent relationship failure. I still do not want to become good at "Dating", though it seems life is forcing me to learn. If you have read my previous post "Social Ninjutsu" you might have an idea as to how difficult it is for me to approach someone. I will be so releived when I don't have to worry about that any longer. "War is Hell"....? I'll bet whoever said that was married! Dating is worse, but I won't give up. I read once that everyone wears emotional armor of a sort. If you could acctualy see that armor, you would know who the true survivors were by how many dents they had.
Or perhaps the people with the most dents are just the most unlucky. Anyway, I'm afraid I can't offer much advice or comfort. I wish I could, but as you know, I'm worse at this than you are.
Remember that dating is a relatively new concept to humanity. It may only work for some people or it may not work at all. It's just what developed in the wake of the decline of arranged marriage and the rise of romantic idealism.
Or maybe I tell myself that because I haven't had any relationships that lasted much longer than yours. I really never dated any of the women I had relationships with and those women I dated never developed into the sexual realm.
Like my resume, on paper my experience looks rather meager. But I consider myself fortunate in the women I have met. I truly loved at least two of them even though I was neither prepared nor able to deal with the situation at the time. I often believe one of the leading reasons that these relationships failed was because I(we) tried to play by the rules.
If the dating game has rules they probably resemble Calvinball. And I was too busy trying to win by looking at the clock or the scoreboard.
When you're ready for something to happen it will probably happen, though most likely not in the way you expect. (While that smacks of a fatalistic cliche, I don't believe any spiritual force perpetuates the beast man calls "true love")
My suggestion is: pay attention to how different people(especially women) affect you. By this I mean "do you feel tired or energized?" more than "do you feel erections or shrinkage?" You may start to notice that you enjoy the hell out of being with some people. So enjoy being around them. If it develops into something more, enjoy that as well. Though I cannot be certain, it seems like such a person would be someone with which you could spend a lifetime.
As I said before, I'm in the same boat as you. That mindset just seems to work for me right now. So if you find a better way, let me know...
You're right, dating IS silly. There's this whole boring part where you have to get to know the person and pretend to listen to them and ask all these questions before you can sleep with them. Disciples are a better idea. Of course, I don't have any of those yet either.
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