Social Ninjitsu

I have always wanted to write this down, I think my blog is a good place for it. I hope those of you reading this understand me just a little bit more.

It was so many years ago, more than twenty, I was twelve years old. I remember sitting at a window looking out into the rain, trying to keep my mind blank. Trying not to think about where I was or why. My step father came into the room to tell me that it was over. I wanted as little interaction with him as possible so I just nodded and said "Ok" and turned back to the rain. I hated speaking to him, why couldn't my mother have come out to tell me? Not that I needed to be told, I already knew. I knew because I was just there, in the room. The only reason I came back out to the waiting room was to maintain my illusion of ignorance. No one took notice of me, I was the invisible child. This began years before, and I hadn't resisted. Some kids would have rebelled and sought negative attention. I studied this years later, psychology was my best subject in school. Some kids find that negative attention is better than none at all. Not me, I knew what was going on, I understood more than anyone thought. I was capable of taking care of myself, and I was shy to begin with so I found safety and comfort within my new found stealth. This allowed my parents to give my little brother the time and care that he needed more than I did. I didn't just let people not notice me, it was a skill I practiced, and I was good.

Most of my immediate family were there that day. The nurses gave us an empty room for some privacy. No one spoke to me as usual, I stayed in the comfort of the silence. My sadness was there, as strong as anyone else's there, but I held it at bay. Any display of emotion would draw attention to myself, and I wouldn't have been able to deal with it. I had grown far to used to being un-noticed, sharing my feelings with anyone now, was a terrifying prospect. Three days later at the funeral, my emotions finally over powered me. I broke down and cried in front of more than a hundred people. Dear god, my cover was blown, they could all see me! There was no where to go, no where to hide. I panicked, what the fuck was I going to do? Suddenly everyone knew I was there, everyone was paying attention to me. My comfortable silence was gone.


After my brother died everyone I knew seemed to try to make up for lost time with me, and I withdrew further. I was unprepared, my social skills were strictly covert. I didn't know how to be the center of attention. I avoided anything that involved a lot social interaction. That made life difficult, most people had no idea what I was about. I think lots of people interpreted my lack of social skills, as a "better that you" attitude. I couldn't stay hidden anymore, but I was still mostly silent. Social anxiety, that's what its called these days. You could have pointed a gun at my face and it wouldn't have frighten me as much as the thought of public speaking.


Over the years I have overcome some of my extreme shyness. Though I sill catch myself falling into old habits. Sometimes people still don't notice me entering a room until I speak, I still get a lot of "I wish you wouldn't sneak up on me like that!" In high school, I had a teacher who didn't know I was a senior until I asked him to let me go to the graduation rehearsal. Once, in my mid twenties, I was seeing an older woman. She had been the one to initiate our relationship, by the way. One night as I was leaving her house, I didn't want to wake her son, so when I was getting my shoes on at the front door, I took out my pen light to see by. She said to me "You take care of yourself." I replied "I will". Then she said "No, I mean, you do." She was telling me that she could see how little I relied on anyone else. That night is when I realized that I was missing out on something. That there was more to life, and I was hiding from it. That night I decided to get over my fears and improve my social skills.

I'm still more afraid of an audience than a handgun, but I'm more socially interactive these days. I think I'll be ok...